Living With BPD

Living With BPD

Living with BPD makes life feel like hell. Having BPD makes me think in a more extreme way which people often describe as “black and white” thinking. It's kind of like a split and I'll discuss this later on in this document.  
 
 
I find maintaining relationships with people is difficult and I mean extremely difficult. If I'm ever dating someone, all my focus and attention must be towards that person, my world will suddenly evolve around them and I’ll always want to be with them 24/7, no matter what, to me they are the only person to ever exist and I change who I am to be what they want. This is hard for both parts. With this high admiration I would have for this person, I also fear abandonment and can’t see my life without them in it and the second their tone changes, or they send a text like “k” when responding to something, it sends my brain into a spiral and that’s when the splitting (or black and white thinking) begins to happen. If I believe their tone has changed with me or that they are suddenly pissed off with me, the split can suddenly make me lash out or it will trigger an episode. You see, one second, I could admire this person, the next I can be devaluating them and then say things either to them or someone else that I don’t actually mean, and this mainly happens due to the fear of being abandoned.  
 
But this doesn’t just happen in relationships, this can happen with friends, family or someone who I’ve chosen as a favourite person.  
 
I often struggle to recognise who I truly am due to me putting on a mask to be something other people want me to be. Constantly I’m changing who I am for the sake of others and putting their needs above mine, doing what they want, living by their rules, and seeking validation from them, especially men, if needs be I will lock my trauma away and pretend like nothing affects me anymore for the sake of others being happy, even if this all makes me feel unhappy, I’d do it over and over again to keep whoever else happy. Even with me doing this to myself, it is all very exhausting and keeping my feelings, trauma in a cage can make me split without me realizing it until I’m back to reality but by then, the damage is already done. Due to my mood being affected by bottling shit up, my mind spirals and the voices return and I then cannot differ between what's real and what's fake.  
 
During a split episode, I begin to talk shit about someone who I’m meant to love, appreciate or care for. I will criticise them despite them not doing anything wrong or even if they have, I will act like it’s the end of the world. I will start messing things up and hurt people mentally without knowing in that moment what I’m doing, but once the episode is done, I think about what just happened, and then I'll start to criticise myself, begin thinking that they’ll hate me forever, apologise over and over again, then the breakdown begins and my mind will tell me I’m worthless and undeserving of happiness or love.  
 
Splitting can also be my own mood when I’m alone, one second, I could be having a full of breakdown and wanting to kill myself, the next moment I could be the happiest person in the world, loving life and everything, this can also be related to ‘mania’ or a ‘manic episode’, which is again a trait of borderline. With being in a ‘manic episode’, you realise that the happiness you feel, the sudden high mood, this sudden burst of energy is all fake and once you realise that, you’re stuck in the black hole again either for a few hours or days.  
 
Sometimes, in an episode, I often try to push people away because I believe that if they stay in my life, I'll hurt them as I've hurt many others before and when I truly care for someone it makes me feel bad, so if there’s a time, I’ve hurt that person but they are willing to forgive me, I will refuse and tell them it’s best if I’m not a part of their life anymore because, to put things simply, I am not a good person. Emotions are too hard to cope with, I hurt people without meaning too, I make mistakes over and over, and change who I am without noticing I’ve changed until those people are out of my life and then I can reflect on my behaviour, you see, I am very self-aware of my behaviour, but it's not something I can change alone.  
 
If someone points out a mistake I have made, I will feel bad and apologise time and time again for my actions, but if they ever hold stuff against me, my brains dig’s. I stop feelings the guilt for what I did, but i will start noticing their mistakes (in most cases are worse than the ones I make), then begin feeling betrayed/abandoned, like they never understood me, and that everything from the start was a lie, then the grudge begins, I will hate that person forever if needs be.  
 
The things that causes episodes for me are; 
-Friends changing or cancelling plans 
-Friends not inviting me places but inviting others 
-Feeling abandoned or not cared for 
-People criticising me (even if it's in a good way) 
-Telling me to calm down or tell me I’m just “over reacting”  
-Rejection of any kind 
-Feeling like my favourite person dislikes me 
-Reminders of my mistakes or what people did to me 
 
One of the reasons I turn to self-harm is because I have to be in an episode to harm myself, I cannot do it if I’m not in an episode. When I’m having an episode, I won’t fully acknowledge my actions or my behaviour and that’s when I’ll get out my blade and cut, in those moments it makes me feel like I actually exist because I can feel the stinging sensation it causes and it makes me feel good. Out of an episode, I know what I’ve done still and when it happened, but I stick by the fact that it makes me feel good or just numbs all emotions for some time.  
 
I have no idea who I am or what my true interests are due to me constantly mirroring people or putting on a mask to be what others need me to be for them.  
 
One day I could be interested in something and do whatever I need to do achieve that interest, then loosing that interest really quickly – this can also happen with feelings for other people.  
 
Becoming aggressive out of the blue, lashing out at people or threatening to hurt them physically, or extreme outbursts of anger over minor things. 
 
After an episode I immediately feeling overwhelming guilt. 
 
Sabotaging relationships with people because I feel like I’ll hurt them.  
 
Huge fear of abandonment. 
 
Forming connections with people then suddenly disliking them if they irritate me.  
 
 
Having a favourite person... 
 
With me feeling the lack of actually being cared for, I will forever seek someone who gives me that feelings and the moment I feel like someone gives a shit, that person becomes my favourite person and the world must evolve around them. This person will be deemed as the most important person in my life. Growing this strong attachment means that I look to this person for emotional validation and security. This person becomes the source of my comfort. All of these emotions for one person because I lack that sense of care and security.   
 
But having a favourite person doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? People often think it's nice for people like me to care so much about someone and have that person become our favourite due to what they have given us. What’s so hard about that? 
 
Well, in reality; having a favourite person destroys us. We care about that one person so fucking much that they become our world, they become the best person to ever fucking exist to us, all because they made us feel cared for. But it's hard. I fucking HATE having a favourite person, it annoys me so much. That one moment I begin to panic that they dislike me or feel like something is off, it sends me into a spiral again. Causes episodes, causes us to split. To question every little detail. Was it all a lie? Do they really care? Do they truly understand me? Oh, what if they hate me? Fuck, what have I done wrong. They hate me, don’t they. They never want to see me again. They know I‘m fucked up. We battle ourselves because this is our brain, this is how it works, and I despite it with every piece of me. Not only does this hurt us, but being so attached can hurt the other person too, because if we go into an episode, we lash out at them and possibly hurt them too all because we feel betrayed by our own brains. Having a favourite person causes a lot of BPD splitting, it’s like two different people in your head arguing, telling you things, one could be the nice one saying “he understands you; he cares about you and he’s different to the others, you can tell him things”, the other could be “he’s lying to you, he doesn’t fucking care about you, he hates you secretly, he doesn’t really understand you – he's saying what you want to hear.” And with all this going on every fucking day, I begin to think it would be best to remove myself from this person's life because not only is it hurting me, it’ll hurt them too one day. Though I never intent to choose favourites in life or even become attached at all, this is BPD, this is what it does. to us, what it does to me. On here it's all just a text, but think about It from our perspective, see yourself as me, I hear these voices every day, I feel like I could lose my fucking mind. I hate myself for it. And telling this truth, well either it pushes you away or you stay. Most people would leave. But this is my life. It's hard. I have this to deal with and a lot more. Think about that. One of the many reasons I want to die is because of this, but also, I know I would be deeply cared for by everyone who hurt me whilst I am breathing. I cannot explain more about what goes on in my head. There’s a lot more I’d like to say about BPD, but I end it here. But a reference I’ll make, you know in some horror movies you get this demon being attached to you, this is how it feels. The demon attached to us can represent BPD, then since I get attached too people who make me believe I’m cared - I could then be described as that demon entity that attaches itself to people. A nice little scenario there.  
 
If you read this. Thank you.

18 March 2022

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18 March 2022

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18 March 2022

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