Talking is hard enough, being judged makes it harder

Depression can be a face of someone who is smiling, telling jokes and happy, which I am quite often. I have a family, a job and I am alive so why would I be depressed?

It's hard to talk to people when you don’t know what reaction you will get. In the past, I’ve found out that people were talking behind my back, saying I am “needy” or “always on about myself”. But maybe I seemed like that because I needed a friend to lean on.

When you have been that person who is always there for others, and then that role changes because you need a shoulder, people can be so quick to judge.

So for myself, it's either I wear this mask and keep smiling, pushing everything back…or I break down. There seems to be no in-between as I find it hard to talk. Not knowing HOW to talk about my feelings has impacted my own personal life because instead I react with “fight or flight”. I either want to scream and shout about how hard I am finding it, or I just want to run and hide which is unfair to the people I love.

Even doing the simple tasks of talking, doing something around the house or picking what I want to do can sometimes feel like my head is going to explode, because I cannot process what is going on. So this is when my “fight or flight” kicks in.

Thankfully this is not all the time and greatly depends on how I am feeling that day, as I have my good days and bad days. Some days I am as happy as can be like nothing is wrong, but this can change so quickly.

For myself I need to open up, let people in and learn to talk but I also believe we need to live in a world where the judgment is left out, depression is acknowledged and we can openly talk.